Open Question: Can someone take a look at my Common App essay? How can I improve it?

Sep 04, 2010 @ 02:00 am by

I am planning on only sending this to a New Jersey college or two. Probably TCNJ and Saint Peter’s.
I don’t think my second paragraph is that great though.

the topic is:
1)A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
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Diversity, the very core of the United States of America, is an important aspect of life. Diversity is respecting and understanding that each individual is unique, and that everyone has their own individual differences. Everyone should strive to be a distinct and unique person, not a doppelganger or a copycat. The United States is a country that thrives upon its ever increasing cultural make up. The people have differences in ethnicity, religion, race, socioeconomic classes, gender, sexual orientation, and/or physical ability. Everyone has their own beliefs and traditions. When different cultures clash, rites and traditions of each group are perceived as barbaric and is cause for wars. If we are not aware of these differences, prejudice grows. I feel that by being diverse ourselves, we can get along better with each other. We should all embrace our heritage and not just shrug it off as ancient. By embracing one’s own culture, one becomes understanding of other cultures and as a result, less prejudice, hate, and cultural clashes occur. Diversity is important everywhere, especially in school. It allows students to have a greater respect for those who have different beliefs or points of views than themselves. School is where many children first meet at an age where they don’t really care about their differences. As children grow, they begin to notice and understand different cultures and being friends with different heritages encourages the exchange of ideas, which overall enriches the student body as a whole. Furthermore, this opens minds to new experiences, which greatly helps students with college in the future.
The internet, one of the greatest inventions of man, has greatly helped me understand and learn about different people and cultures. Each and every time I turn on my computer and enter the cyber world, I learn more and more about people. Through the internet, I have access to the vast knowledge people around the world and throughout history have gained. I have the opportunity to interact with people around the world with websites such as Yahoo Answers, Facebook, MySpace, and Formspring. Through those websites, I have gained an understanding of how people react when they cannot be judged in person. With the use of the internet, I am able to be myself without judgment and see others for who they really are. Thanks to the internet, I have been able to interact with a more diverse community, with people who have different views and beliefs, and learn about them while sharing my own views.

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it’s 415 words long.

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